Take a walk in my shoes

The day to day life of Benji Dude, except it's not day to day...

What is wrong with me?
Brace yourselves; this is going to be a long one…

So start of the week I had what some might call a bit of a meltdown.  I made a statement to someone and they didn't respond in kind.  It was, by no fault of their own, a dam busting moment - the straw that broke my back as it were.  It was on top of some other demons I've been increasingly aware of in recent month and the combination was too much for me.  It caused me to look at myself, and my interactions with others and while I hold myself to what many would call an honourable standard I have become increasingly focused on negative aspects.

For the past week I've just been so angry, not at anyone or anything but at myself.  Angry that I can't seem to push aside the demons, angry that I'm just so intent on something that is ultimately a fantasy.

Some of you have tried to help and I've quite bluntly shot you down, so to you I both apologise and thank you.  Some of you know exactly what has happened, and have offered advice and encouragement, so again, thank you.

So, what exactly happened that lead to this meltdown of anger?

Well, there's two issues at play, both separate yet linked.  The first issue, most of you will be aware of, is my continued inability to find a partner to share my life with, it is, in many regards the "last great achievement" for me to get in life, the icing on the cake, the trifecta. Many people are surprised when I tell them that I'm 31 and still to go on a date, let alone have a "relationship".  It's where a lot of this… obsession has come from.  This obsession has caused me to see things that aren't there and rush in before letting things develop.  It is this, obsession that broke my back, this obsession that constantly trips me up.

I've never had the guts to see it for what it is until now, an obsession.  Until now it has just simply, been.  It was just an aspect of myself that was there, in the background, whispering in my ear, putting ideas in my head.

But, as the saying goes, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.  Well, I have a problem, I am so lonely. So. Lonely. I want to share my life with someone, I want a partner, I want a partner I can grow old with, I want to have kids, grandkids, I want to sit in the crowd with a big-fuck-off-shit-eating-grin because my kid did something amazing and I want to share that grin with my wife/ partner/ whatever.

It is, ultimately, unobtainable.  Because of my obsession.

My name is Ben, I'm 31 and I'm obsessed with relationships.  And I have absolutely no idea how not to be, it's been there for so long now that the roots have grown thick and entwined into my psyche.

People have said, "Not to go looking for it" and they're absolutely right, and I don't.  I don't actively search for it, it's like trying to find the end of the rainbow, it can't be done.  I have the patience to wait for someone to come into my life.  However that doesn't help when the heart strings get plucked and those voices start up, at that point it is found.

Issue number two, is again something that upon reflection has been there for a long time I've just never been that bothered by it because, as sad as it sounds I always had my parents to talk to, to hang out with.  Now that they're gone though there's been no release for this… isolation I feel and experience in any social event.  I can sit in a room full of people I know for several hours and not have a conversation with any of them, not because I don't want to but because people don't interact with me.  Even if I join in on a conversation, it soon breaks down and those involved spread out.  I start a conversation 'they' find an excuse or someone else they'd rather talk to.  I feel like I should be a nerd in a Hollywood movie, with the "popular" kids having a conversation around me, like I wasn't even there.

It's all lead to me thinking that there must be something, absolutely.  Categorically.  Unforgivably, wrong with me.  No one should be this lonely for this long, I wouldn't wish this feeling upon my worst enemies.

No doubt some of you are saying, "Well you should get out there, broaden your horizons!"  I do, one way or another I'm out most night, thankfully not always at a pub.  I even go down to the local on my own, just to people watch, nothing.

I'm that guy that just seems to blend into the background.  Even when I'm with what I would call "close friends" I'm regularly ignored, spoken over or just plain interrupted.  Some nights, I wonder if I should just become a mute but then someone says something stupid and I just have to correct them.  I can stand in a perfect circle of friends and be forced outside the circle, forced to listen in over someone's shoulder.

I'm by no means proclaiming that I'm perfect or a great conversationalist; I like you are still human and therefore flawed.  I'm aware of my flaws, I'm extremely sarcastic, monotone and very good at erecting emotional walls.  I'm choosing right now to tear down those walls to try and tackle these demons.  While I don't seek to correct my sarcasm (it is after all part of who I am) or monotone voice (there's not much I can do about that, though I know it makes it hard for people to notice when I'm being serious or not) the other issues can be resolved.

At least I hope so.

So apart from this being an opportunity for me to get my feelings down on electronic paper.  I open this up to you, the reader, no matter how well or little you know me, to explain just what it is I'm doing wrong, because there is clearly something.

I just don't know what.

Thank you.

The cat is out of the bag
So the last post was a little bit cryptic, just a tiny bit.

It was all about a girl.

And now that girl knows I like her.  Amazingly she didn't turn me down, although she didn't exactly reflect my sentiments either.

We had a really nice afternoon together yesterday, lunch, shopping, meeting the parents, talking. It was, nice. But she's not sure if she's wanting a relationship right now, and given what she's told me about what's going on in her life at the moment, I totally understand but I still want to be there for her.

However she needs time to think things through, so I've backed off and given her some space.

I feel like I've fucked things up but people are saying I've not.  I was just so sure that she liked me too.  It was either that or she'd go off the deep and rip my head off.  The middle ground she's chosen to take has kinda left me in limbo, I'm just not sure what to do with myself at the moment.

Stay strong man, she'll see your worth... maybe.

Fuck I don't know.

This is Benji Dude, asking you... shit.
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This is why you don't post late at night!
Oh what tangled webs we weave...

It's been a long time since I felt like this, sure there have been similar feelings in the past but once in a while, one comes along and knocks you for six.

And this is a big six.

Of course knowing my luck it'll all be for naught.

Some things make it easy.

And some things make it harder.

But for the most part its easy.

I just have to man up about it all.

And ask the question everyone both fears and longs to hear.

This is Benji Dude, asking you if I could BE any more cryptic?

New year! New post!
Hello faithful readers! Bah! Who am I kidding, faithful reader.... oh ok just me. Screw you all!

Tis a new year so I thought what better way of kicking things off than with a new blog post?  You know what this means?

UPDATE TIME! *insert fancy jingle here*

*Takes a quick gander at date of last post* oh boy, that was a while ago, well here goes! (in no particular order)

  • Got a new car

  • Mum passed away

  • Got a new job (not in the games industry)

  • Looking at moving house

  • Fallen for a couple of girls (that went nowhere)

  • Got a new PC (tis a thing of beauty)

  • Got more plastic models than I know what to do with!

  • Had a disastrous Christmas!

  • Had a good New Years!

  • Flogging half my childhood (selling old toys and stuff)

  • Played far too much Skyrim!

  • Got caught out by the Miraak bug in Skyrim!

  • Fixed the Miraak bug in Skyrim!

That covers all the major points, I think, so... yeah.  Stuff and things, things and stuff.  Hopefully I'll be posting more often in the coming year, but I make no promises!  So you there!  Yes you!  I mean me!  the only reader of this blog, keep tuned in for future updates on the trials and tribulations that are my life.

This is Benji Dude, asking you to cut this old dog some slack, it's been one hell of a year.

How much?!
So I just got my car Tax Disk reminder through the mail and they want £170 for the year!

Now consider my last pay check (which included a bonus) came to £130... yeah and the government big wigs wonder why people wrack up so much debt.

Having one shift a week really sucks hairy monkey balls!

Rant over!

This is Benji Dude asking you use my car tax money sensibly and fill in the damn pot holes!

Yeah! Another year older!
Tis my birthday today!  Hooray!  I'm 29! Yay!  No, wait, that's not good.  That's nearly 30!  Oh shit I'm so old!  Where's all the time gone?  Why can't I be young again?  With no worries and no bills?

Oh well, at least I got some cool stuff for the day:

Forge World Space Marine Apothecaries
Forge World Relic Contemptor Dreadnought with two assault cannons and a missile launcher
An I.O.U. for a curry
And some Kromlech Marine legs and Power Glaives... that I brought the other week... shut up!  It still counts as a birthday gift!

In other news, I found out that despite having experience coming out the wazu! I'm apparently not good enough to get a job working at Warhammer World, not even good enough to get an interview.  It's a bit of a downer to get the news on my birthday but what really pisses me off is the total lack of an interview especially when they're only giving phone interviews.


Still at least I've still got my job selling shoes.

And Birthday and stuff! Yay!

This is Benji Dude asking you to grow old disgracefully...

Christmas Time, the time of joy?
So another year and another Christmas, here comes the list of presents!

Transformers Tshirt
Nintendo Goomba Tshirt
Box of chocolates
Darksiders 2: The abomination Vault
An owl mug
A new Wallet
£20 M&S voucher
The Avengers DVD
The Dark Knight Rises DVD
Offspring: Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace CD
Money tin

So there we are.  First post in 10 months and not a lot to say, maybe more next time!

This is Benji Dude, wishing you all a happy new year!

POW! Right in the kisser!

Got t-boned on Sunday, just had it towed away, might end up being a right off depending on the damage to the sill... great.

Just as well then that the other party are paying the lot.

This is Benji Dude, asking you to always check your right side when entering a roundabout.

Once more unto the celebrations!

Another year, another birthday.

Lots of birthday wishes but the noticeable absence of one.  Still it was a good day, even if it was spent working... making computer games!  Bo-yeah!

List of pressies to come after the weekend.

This is Benji Dude, asking you to take a walk in my shoes.

Well it's that time of year again...
Greetings one and all!  Merry Christmas and all that!

So the only question anyone ever cares about at this point of the day... What did I get?  Well sit down, shut up, and I'll tell you a tale about a boy who got some stuff...
  • Family Guy Season 10
  • Family Guy Season 11 (with free t-shirt and Big Bang Theory script")
  • Cauterize Disguises album
  • Pink! Greatest hits so far (don't judge me!)
  • Forgeworld Tau XV84 Battlesuit (it's a wargaming thing)
  • water bomb catapult
  • Old Speckled Hen gift set (booze and pint glass)
  • Dove for men shower set
  • Legend of Zelda themed t-shirt
  • Paint your own Stegosaurus money box
  • Table flickball
  • headphone wrapper
  • "I <insert image of heart here> my computer" mug
  • Transformers: Foundation graphic novel
  • socks! (gah! Again!)
  • various sugary treats

So there we go!  Not a bad haul in all!

This is Benji Dude wishing good to all on this day.


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